Last Friday Robert told me that he wanted to be free. HE broke up with me a third time.
I was ok at the begging. I was hurt, but I was somewhat expecting it. He was growing distant, and he seems reluctant to call me or to hang out tiwht me. ALso, his sex drive has been dead for months.
I have not talk to him in a few days, and it slowly breaking my heart. This is the first time where I wonder if I will find that loves me the way I loved Jason, or the Robert, or Tim. For how long I will be alone?
Robert has kept sending me our usual “Good night” text message every night, and although I do not want to answer him, I always do. And it hurts ti type, but I love him.
My roommy is never here, since he got his new boyfriend, whom I have meet only once for about 3 minutes. My roomatte only comes in the afternoons when I am not here to pick up some clothes and off he goes. he doesn’t sleep here anymore.
I have not seen him in almost a week.
My brother left back to Ecuador today. He was visiting NYC and stayed with me for 2 weeks. It was so comforting to have my baby brother with me. It like he never left in the first place.
I am alone.
What is left. I endure the coldest winter off my life, that blend into a late spring to turn into the loneliest summer.
Yesterday I had to attend a staff retreat.
I always associate the word “Retreat” with the countryside, or the beach, not a plain windowless conference room, with the same 8 people I see everyday, and no way out for 9 hours straight.
Part of this “Retreat” was a series of talks or seminars that some our department director and 2 other people will give. There were 10 schedule talks, 8 given by the department director, who got the idea of this “Retreat” because his BF had one recently.
I prepare myself for a day of narcissistic ego rubbing coming from the department director, and brought a sketchpad and some pencils to draw or doodle in the back when the talks get unbearable.
The day went by really fast, faster than I though. And I was actually enjoying my time with my coworkers. We had team building exercises, and some problem solving tasks, and the “Talks” where not a one sided chat, but more of a communal discussion with a moderator to keep us on track.
At the end of the day I discovered that (According to a test we had to take) I am the only of my team that can stay focus despise having a lot of potential distractions around me.
And there I was thinking all this years that I had some form of ADD.
I got to work today and find out that the director of my department, after evaluating my performance at the retreat, had given me some projects to manage, and even “allow” me to talk to vendors and clients when needed. He even threw in an intern so to “Sweeten the deal”.
At QSAC I am a bit of a recluse. I always have my office lights off, my door ajar (but not close) and my design work absorbs me. Nobody sees much of me during the day unless they walk to my office. People think of me as a bit grumpy. And I like it like that.
Now I have people and projects to manage?
I know it is a good thing. And I know I will do great, and this will give me resume experience for the next job, but I will miss being left alone.
This past week the MTA has been heavily damaged.
Starting at 10:30, the blue line (A-C-E) and the Orange line (D-B) just stop working after 59th St. forcing everybody to take the 1 train uptown.
The red line (1-2-3) has also being damaged, with long waiting times resulting in super packed trains after 11:00 PM.
I found myself waiting for the 1 train at 12:00 AM in the 96th Street Station on Wednesday night. I was hot and grumpy when an older guy said to me: “Nice T-shirt”. I looked down at my t-shirt and look back at him, smiled as said thanks; he quickly picked up the conversation, asking me where I was from and where I was going to. We started chatting about nothing important, and the trained arrived. It was so packed that I decided to take a cab. My new friend must have noticed my mind change because he immediately invited me to have a beer.
-“Common, have a drink with me”
I give it a though. One drink cannot be harmful. And I am walking out the station anyway, so I agreed to have a drink with him.
We went o a local dinner and we chatted.
-“So, do where uptown you live?” – He asked
-“Up in 171st, and you? – I replied
-“Near, in 98th Street”-
-“So, you live two blocks away from the train station, yet you were waiting for the train?”
-“Well, I was not waiting for the train, I was people watching until I noticed you”
-“For how long were you people watching in that hot station?”
-“About an hour”
This guys was just standing, with a briefcase, for an hour, at midnight, inside a crowded, over heated station, just for the fun of it.
He started hitting on me, and to stop that I told him I have a boyfriend and that I am happily in love with him.
After the beer, he asked me to walked him home. I did.
Once in front of his building, he asked me to walking to his front door, as he lived in the first floor. I did.
Once we were in his front door, he opened it and asked me to come in to show me the high ceiling he was telling me about. I did.
Then he tried to kiss me. I refused.
When he realized that I will no be kissing him, he invited me to dinner.
-“Please! Say yes? Have dinner with me this Sunday?” –
I told him to send me a text and that I will get back to him.
Robert asked me to cat-sit a few times when we was gone to California.
The cat in question is a half-breed gray cat (its father was a bobcat). It is a big, fat animal that likes to be petted.
Vito (The cat) has learned that if he touches you (or hits you) with his closed paw, he will get your attention and he will get petted.
The result of this positive reinforcement conditioning has become annoying, as he will jump in bed in the middle of the night and touch or hit your in the face so he gets petted!.
I was sleeping at Robert’s place one night and I was having a bad dream:
In the dream I tool Vito to the park and let him go about his feline business while I keep walking around. I cannot remember how it happened, but I found myself as a one of the contender in a old time fisticuff fight, big mustache included.
When the fight was about to start, it dawn on me that something bad had happen to Vito.
I ran out of the fight looking for Vito and I found him in art gallery. He has been killed, stuffed and propped in a pouncing posture on a pedestal in the center of the gallery.
I picked him up and started screaming! What would I say to Robert when he gets back? Can I find another cat that looks just like Vito? Would Robert noticed!? I am the worse cat sitter ever!
I do not know if I was screaming or at least twisting and turning in bed in the real world, but Vito was hitting me in the nose with his paw until it finally woke me out of that nightmare. His furry face was the first thing I could make out when I open my eyes.
I was so happy to see him. I hugged him (cats do not like to be hugged) and then I pet him for a while until we both feel a sleep again.