I was walking to my office in the middle of the morning rush, when a middle aged tourist stopped me.
-“Excuse me, where is the Empire State Building?”
I was in a rush, and somewhat annoyed as such a trivial question, everybody knows where the ESB is. I turned around and pointed to the building, towering a few blocks down.
-“There it is” - I told him.
-“Wow” - he replied in awe - “is that the one? The one in the movies? is it fantastic! Much bigger that I imagined it”
I looked up at him and I could see and feel his wonder. Then I looked at the Empire State BUIlding, and it felt like I was looking at it for the first time.
-“Yes, that is the one that King Kong climbed, and the one where Michael and Terry agree to meet in Love Affair.” - I said, still looking at the building.
The tourist looked at me and said:
-“Somebody your age wouldn’t know about ‘Love Affair’, but I guess all Newyorkers know about the Empire State Building”.
He thanked me for the info and walked towards the ESB.
I stand still for a moment watching the middle aged tourist walked away and looking at the empire state building and I filling a bit ashamed about forgetting that feeling of wonder and awe, even if it is about everyday things like the Empire State Building.
The age of wonders
My life in the past month has been a roller coaster of experiences.
My personal life has gone from sad a gloomy to a more exciting adventure.
Somebody new has entered my life, and somebody I though lost is back.
The warmer days have finally arrived after what it probably was the coldest and longest winter of my life.
Some say that the age of wonder pass us by so quickly and soon we become jaded cynics who have seen everything and nothing is new or exciting, but then a flower blooms in your firescape, a cake rises properly in your oven, a unexpected praise sounds in your ears and then you remember.
Robert walked away from my life about 2 months ago. During that period, I had the choise of being sad, alone and miserable, or to try to move on. I will never give up on love. I will be hurt, I will be sad, but I will always pick up the pieces of my broken heart , duck tape them with hope and try again.
Last month I meet Andreas, sweet Andreas. He is from Switzerland. He is sweet and caring and funny and worldly. He made me feel love again. He appeared when I was the most vulnerable and reminded me that I am not broken, that I can be loved.
Robert texted me a week after I meet Andreas. He asked me to ‘hang out’. And we did.
After an emotional meeting I realized how deeply in love I still am with him.
-“Lets play it slow”- I suggested, knowing that he never released my heart.
I visit Andreas fairly often. He lives in Chelsea, around the corner from my gym and just few blocks from my best friends place.
I am at a crossroads. Am I dating to people at the same time? That will be unfair for both of them and complicated to manage for me.
I like Andreas, but I don’t love him. I love Robert, but I am still afraid of him braking my heart a 3rd time.
Until we meet again…
After a small email exchange, where I tell him that his behavior made me sad, where he first asks me to take him back:
All I know right now is that my life is less bright without you in it. I don’t know how to imagine the future without you in it. I always wanted to create some future together with you. I prayed for that so many times and then so much happened, my emotions became so confused and conflicted. If all is lost then I will learn to live with that, but for now I pray that there is a way where that future might be real because I know our love is real and so rare in my life.
…then I lashed at him for the first time since we meet 2 years ago:
Back in July you broke it up because you felt trapped, then one week later you came back telling me you made a mistake. Now you are doing it all over again. I love you so much, I worshiped your presence, you made me happy by just being next to me, but my presence made you miserable; your own words. You made me feel like a fool; you made me feel like I will never be able to make somebody love me the way I love them. Now, 10 days later, you come back with the same lines you told me last summer. What I am supposed to do? Say yes and just wait for you to feel trapped again and break my heart a 3rd time?
…and then he apologized for his mistakes.
"Your presence does not make me miserable. The situation did. I never wanted to make you feel like a fool, Link."
Coming back to you twice now is a pattern that I must examine further. I know that I miss you and want you to be a part of my life, but I do not think that asking you to come back like I have is a healthy thing. It is not fair to you. “
"For now, I think it is best if we continue to not communicate very much so that this grief can pass, each in our own way in our own time. Being in touch with you now, close to you, would make this all more confusing and painful. I see that now. "
we had to say good bye for now.
I will see him again someday soon I hope, but now, I can only miss him everyday.
I was invited on Friday night to see the show “Heathers” based on the 1988 movie “Heathers”.
I have seen the movie, and I was half hopping a comic version of the movie, as the movie is rather dark.
What a disappointment.
“Heathers the musical” was rather boring. The good/ funny characters “the Heathers” did not have much stage time, and the main characters tried their best to unsuccessfully lift the play. It was just plain bad writing.
The sets were none existent, having only an elevated platform upstage , and having the actor create the scenes as needed. This can be a great way to do a play, if done properly.
The songs were ok. There were good numbers and funny numbers, but the love ballet did not do it for me.
There were many references to the original movie (as expected), but if you have not seen the movie to begging with, the references go unnoticed.
In general, I would say “AVOID” this show, unless you are a hardcore fan of the movie.
On Thursday March 20 I was at the opening night of one of the greatest show I have seen in a while (since Mary Poppins). I was at the opening night for Aladdin.
Aladdin (the movie) has a special place in my heart, as my brother and I used to watch it over and over when we were kids, to the point of knowing every single line of dialog and music.
The Broadway production of Aladdin doesn’t just mimics the movie at its best but ads more content, music and characters to the classic Disney movie.
The song “Proud of your boy” that was originally written for the movie, but cut off from the final edit, makes a beautiful return to the stage version of Aladdin with 2 added reprises. This song always makes me teary as I used to sing it while remembering my late mother. Also, this was the auditioning song that got me the lead part in “Urinetown, the musical” when I was in college.
The costumes of this show were breathtaking. From Aladdin’s simple street grab using Persian fabrics to Jazmine’s princess grab, all covered in crystals.
The genie , as usual, steals the show with his humor and presence.
I like the idea to add new characters like Aladdin’s 3 funny sidekick friends; replacing some characters like Jaffar’s funny sidekick Jago from a talking parrot to a human servant, and to erase some characters, like Aladdin’s funny sidekick Abu the monkey and the Genie’s funny sidekick the magic Carpet.
The largest number in the show “A friend like me” gets a standing ovation in the middle of the first act, which is rare, as people usually doesn’t want to get up until the very end of a show.
After the show, I went to the after party, where I got to chat with some of the actors and some industry people.
I have to go see this show again from better seats this time.
Let it go.
No good conversation usually starts with the phrase “we need to talk”
- “I will come up to your place. We need to talk”
He told me this on a Tuesday. We meet on a Sunday.
I was so in love with him, for so long.
The last couple of months have been odd. The last 3 weeks he would only make himself available to me for a few hours, just once a week.
He made me feel disposable, easy to cancel our plans, always finding a better dinner to go to, or better people to meet, or conveniently forgotten that he had a previous engagement, yet I found myself counting the hours to meet him again.
We walked into my place and he quickly sat down in the sofa and told me right away why he was here.
-“I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to be in a relationship with you”
His words were like daggers. I died inside when I hear him say this.
But, somehow I was expecting it. It was written in the walls.
-“I am really miserable. I feel trapped. I feel that you are making me responsible for your emotions and I don’t want to do that anymore.”
I make you miserable? I though. He makes me so happy just by being present, yet, I made him miserable. The pain was intense. It took a lot of me not to scream.
- “I see.” – I manage to utter and he continued.
- “I been wanting to do this since July, about 8 months ago, and now has become unbearable”
I smiled and told him that I want him to be happy. The rest of the visit was odd, as I did my best impersonate a good friend who is happy to hang out with his good buddy.
At the end, we hung goodbye and he left like nothing had happen. I closed the door and stood there, staring a the closed door for a while not being able to move.
This happened about a week ago. I have not told anybody. I don’t want pity.
Oh how my heart is severed.
I never loved somebody as I loved him. All those silly love song used to make so much sense, and now I only have sadness. My life has become an long Irish song.
I wrote a handwritten letter and I asked him something I though I would never have to ask him:
-“Please, do not contact me for a while.” –
He is the best thing that had happen to me. And I want him to be part of my life, but now just the thought of him hurts.
I miss him so much.
I wonder he does miss me too.
My original starting time was 9:00 am
Then I was presented with the option to start at 9:30 am and stay until 5:30 PM.
I chose that and I am so happy I did
Before, I had to travel in a very packed subway, all the way to Penn Station.
Along the way I have to deal with, the assholes standing in front of the door who don’t move when the doors open; the idiots who lean on the poles so nobody else can hold on them(I hope you are comfortable); the moron who stands in front of an open seat(but not letting anybody use it); the antisocial who gets on before letting everybody off (after all, they own the MTA); the narcissistic who act like they are the only one who are going to get off at a major stop; (Excuse me! Excuse me! Getting off! Excuse me!), the daredevils who stand on the narrowest area of the platform (Blocking everybody’s way); the selfish who stop hurrying down the steps once they see it’s not their train coming (you deserve to be stabbed), the lazy-fucks who stand still on a single rider escalator, blocking everybody behind them (Walk down the escalator and stop playing Angry Birds); pigs who eat cooked food and stank the car(Kung Pao for Dinner? Eat it a home!); teenagers (aren’t you late for school anyway?); the deaf who listed to his music so loud you can hear it blastinf pass his headsets from half a car away (Always hip-hop music).
By switching my travel time 30 minutes, I ride a more bearable train, where I can always find a seat (Usually the center seats, but I get to sit).
Today I was late for work, and after notifiying my people at the office that I would be late, I waited for the 10:00 am train, and I learn today that rush hour has several waves, the 8:00 am, 9:00 am and 10:00 am waves, so today I had to deal with the worse subway riders again.
At least at this early hour I don’t have to deal with the teenager dancers (Is Showtime! Is Showtime!); the beggars (I am sorry to bother you ladies and gentlemen, but I am homeless…); the candy sellers (I am trying to get out of trouble, and to have some money in my pocket); the biker (why don’t you actually ride the bike?; and the stair master (feeling comfortable seating in the stairs and blocking people’s way?).
Gotta love NYC